Tesco – taking ‘Every Little Helps’ to heart

So Tesco (the UK’s biggest retailer) just announced that it has been overstating its half-year profits by 25% (about £250m). It’s not clear how long this has been going on but the omens aren’t good.

Tesco is to the UK what Walmart is to the USA, minus the firearms. Thousands of stores, millions of customers. It takes nearly 30% of the UK market. It has so much food I get fat shopping there and have to go on diets all the time.

Now, Tesco’s ubiquitous marketing slogan is ‘Every little helps’. And it would appear that the company has been taking this message to heart.

TES

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Horse Burger Jokes

Recently it was revealed the Great British Public has been consuming cheap frozen beefburgers featuring a ‘special ingredient’; horsemeat. This revelation opened up the inner workings of the food industry, including the importing of ‘fillers’ from Eastern Europe which were used to help hold the delicious meaty treats in question together.

horsey

Naturally vegetarians the world over have grasped the opportunity to have a good giggle at the misfortune of the unwary carnivorous community, not least both my wife and mother-in-law who conspired to deliver the following witty one-liners to the inbox of Happiness Stan.

  1. A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
  2. So they have found a horse burger in Tesco, what’s next, my Lidl pony?
  3. Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
  4. A waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger, so I had £5 each way!
  5. Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she’s always wanted!
  6. Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night….I still have a bit between my teeth.
  7. Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco, just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’
  8. Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn!
  9. Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
  10. “I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer…AND THEY’RE OFF”
  11. I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse…..  I guess Tesco just listened.
  12. Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
  13. A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’   Cow says ‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’
  14. I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horses d’oeuvres.
  15. These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
  16. Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers are giving me the trots
  17. To beef or not to beef, that is the equestrian
  18. Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is an anagram of …SHERGARS BUM.
  19. Tesco’s have released a new liqueur to complement their range of burgers, they’re calling it ‘Red Rum’.

I just copy and paste this stuff.