Wild Pig, Black Pudding and Breakfasts that ‘set in’

Previously on Happiness Stan…

I went to the butchers and they were slightly annoying.

So a month or so ago we set off shopping, but decided to explore the more rural parts, south of where we live, looking for somewhere different to acquire some bacon and eggs.

We ended up in deepest darkest Surrey (about 5 miles from home).

Here the locals speak in strange dialects, and wild pigs forage for truffles (this may or may not be true, the shop staff we spoke to didn’t have strange dialects, although that might have been because they weren’t local – they could have been bused in from Northern France – and I didn’t spot any pigs, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t there, hiding their truffles).

Deepest, darkest Surrey…

Tesco – taking ‘Every Little Helps’ to heart

So Tesco (the UK’s biggest retailer) just announced that it has been overstating its half-year profits by 25% (about £250m). It’s not clear how long this has been going on but the omens aren’t good.

Tesco is to the UK what Walmart is to the USA, minus the firearms. Thousands of stores, millions of customers. It takes nearly 30% of the UK market. It has so much food I get fat shopping there and have to go on diets all the time.

Now, Tesco’s ubiquitous marketing slogan is ‘Every little helps’. And it would appear that the company has been taking this message to heart.

War Horse W(h)ine

Have you heard of War Horse? It’s a book, that was turned into a play, that was turned into a film.

My wife (she of the always original, always excellent birthday gifts), treated me to a visit to the New London Theatre (which is at least 40 years old) to see the play.

Amazing. Its about a horse and a boy that end up on the front line in World War I. The boy was played by a boy. Not surprising. But the horse was played by two actors manipulating a massive horse shaped frame; they were brilliant – they made the contraption move like a horse and you actually forgot you weren’t watching an actual horse.

But naturally this blurb is not about the play, the horse, or my 34th birthday (ha! ha!). No this was about the intermission refreshments.

Now the wife is not only an excellent picker of surprises, she also has a handy knack of picking perfect seats; right by the exit, which was right by the loos, which were right by the stairs, which led right to the bar. Perfect! And that’s where we headed at half-time. To purchase this…

The Injustice of Modern Life

10 years. I’ve been driving for 10 years along the same bloody road to the same bloody office and back again. And in all that time I’ve never once, not once, complained about the arse-wipe thought police that see the solution to traffic congestion as being to make things even more difficult for the motorist.

I can imagine traffic planning meetings as being like something from the crisis meeting room in that Dr. Strangelove film with Peter Sellers….

It’s happened – I’ve gone mad with power!!!

‘Right ladies and gentlemen, the traffic situation is becoming worse. Too many people trying to get to work and go shopping. SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE!’

(Silence).

Emergency Pumpkin Jack-o’-lantern

It’s 3 O’Clock on Halloween. We have pumpkins. We have fake blood. We have sweets and chocolate. And we have to go trick-or-treating. So we have to get busy. First off we need a Jack-o’-lantern (that word is not easy to type BTW).

So busy we got. Preparation is the key. Scaring children is the objective! So to get to this: