***Warning: this post contains evidence of a baking fail***
What a surprise. I don’t really get baking. Hot hands and a cold heart maybe.
Anyway, one thing I always liked about American restaurants and bars is that they serve up burgers in a brioche bap. Makes the whole burger thing that little more decandent.
Now in the UK you can get brioche loaves. You can get brioche finger rolls. You can get brioche with chocolate and brioche with jam. You can get things that are almost baps but they are called cholla (they even taste the same as brioche).
But for someone like me, suffering raging OCD, that will not do. I want brioche baps. So I decided to make my own. And that meant yeast. And that meant ‘oh dear’.
On my business travels in the States I’ve noticed one major, important thing. The hotels are the best you’ll find in the world. I’m not talking about 5 star or anything. I mean any average, run-of-the-mill business hotel. They’re great. Why?
- The rooms are always huge
- The alarm clocks are all the same no matter where you stay so its easy to use them
- The ironing boards are massive so its easy to get your shirt ready in the morning
- The barman comes and asks you if you want a refill only when your glass is empty
- The in-room coffee is percolated and made by some guy called Wolfgang Puck.
(It’s worth pointing out that I’ve only stayed in Hiltons – I’ve heard some bad things about Western Inn, probably untrue).
So who is this Puck guy? And what is his connection to the display of juicy loveliness in the picture below?
Bean Burgers are so MacDonalds, Fish Burgers are so…fishy. So what are the options for preparing a burger-like creation for someone who hasn’t eaten a nice plump beefy burger in decades? Something that looks like a burger, smells vaguely like a burger but contains no burger.
For this we need to turn to the massive Portobello Mushroom.
Bacon bits are optional obviously
If I ever have need to visit the Doctor and my diet comes up as a topic I will omit this culinary nightmare from the conversation. Let sleeping dogs lie and so on. I mean all this portrait really needs is a cigarette in an ash tray, although I don’t smoke, well certainly not when I’m eating. And drinking white wine whilst eating a burger is probably the worst, the most uncultured, slovenly idea of all. However it (the wine that is) is less calorific than a Coke (It is right?)
This gorgeous yet evil temptress features:
- two steak burgers
- gerkins (sweet)
- American mustard
- a couple of slices of emmental cheese which goes soft when grilled but doesnt turn to oily goo like cheddar.
- a large floury bap
You will also need a large mouth. Good luck!