Spoil Yourself Steak

I found out a new fascinating fact the other day.

A Venus Fly Trap could consume a human being.

For this to happen the aforementioned human would have to be served up to the predatory plant in little bits, of no more than one gramme at a time (each gramme taking about 1 3/4 days to process). Anymore than that and it would freak out and stop working.

On that basis, given the average human weighs about 75,000 grammes, it would take the little blighter 378 years to finish off dear Aunt Gladys. (BTW all this information is courtesy of a Sunday Times journalist, @MattRudd, who is paid money to come up with this stuff. Some people have the life. Still, he reckoned it was 1,500 yrs but I reckon its 378. It matters people).

So what, I hear you yawn. In fact someone might be reading this and thinking what is this drivel, where is the steak. Actually if someone is reading this then I’m really happy. If someone is reading this and still thinking, I’m ecstatic).

Well the point is, if a Venus Fly Trap can eat a man in 378 years (admitedly in very small portions), then how long would it take to eat this steak?


It’s big. It’s bloody. Nothing can resist. Not even a Venus Fly Trap…

venus in blue jeans.001

So this is only a recipe in the marginal sense. It comprises a steak, homemade béarnaise sauce (which I can barely spell, let alone make, as you will see) and fries (which are, unforgiveably, straight out of a packet). You will need…

For the béarnaise sauce

  • 2 tbsp tarragon vinegar
  • 50ml/2fl oz white wine vinegar
  • 1 tsp white peppercorns
  • 1 banana shallot, finely chopped
  • 4 free-range egg yolks
  • 200g/7oz unsalted butter, melted
  • salt and black pepper
  • ¼ lemon, juice only
  • 2 tbsp chopped tarragon leaves, finely chopped

Warning. This is the correct recipe for béarnaise sauce. I didn’t follow it. I don’t have tarragon vinegar. No white peppercorns. Or banana shallots. Or even tarragon. Substitute with the nearest available items.

For the fries

  • some frozen fries

For the steak

  • a steak
  • some oil
  • salt and pepper

Now the more cuisine-savvy of you out there might have worked out already that the hard bit in this recipe  is the béarnaise sauce. And hard it is. Screw it up and you have to start all over again. I tried it twice before I gave up and pretended it was hollandaise sauce. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t making this for the sauce. I wanted the steak.


This is how you make béarnaise sauce (straight from James Martin).

For the béarnaise sauce, place the vinegars, white peppercorns and shallot into a small saucepan and bring to the boil. Simmer until the volume of liquid has reduced by half.

Remove the peppercorns and pour the mixture into a heatproof bowl. Add the egg yolks to the bowl and whisk well.

Place the bowl over a pan of simmering water and whisk the eggs together until pale and thick. Gradually add the melted butter, whisking constantly. Season with salt and freshly ground black pepper and add the lemon juice and chopped tarragon leaves. Turn off the heat and leave the bowl over the warm pan until ready to serve.

This is how mine turned out…


Not good. Not good at all. As you can see I reverted to the Magimix…


My expression, and hair, says it all.

Anyway. Once that’s all messed up, focus on the steak. IMG_7892

Cook it. Cook the fries. Serve it. Eat it (to paraphrase Mr Lum).


So back to the beginning. How long would it take a Venus Fly Trap to eat this? About 3 seconds. Too good.


13 thoughts on “Spoil Yourself Steak

  1. Looks like you made yourself some nice scrambled eggs there… I found a little trick if you end up with that which is easy enough – you know that simmering water that it’s sitting on? Just table a spoonful or so & add it to the eggs to thin them out. If you catch it in time it usually works. Bernaise (yeah it’s a tough one & even spell check doesn’t like it because it wants it to be ‘burnoose’ for some reason) is a tough one but there’s nothing wrong with Hollandaise sauce at all.
    Looks like a great meal to me.
    You didn’t tell us how long it took YOU to eat the steak.

    • I will try your tip if I ever attempt it again. It took me about 30 mins although as I remember it I saved some for something else. I think the guilt got to me in the end and I stopped before I finished it….

  2. Your sauce looks very ‘interesting’. Interesting is a word that gets used around here and, I’m not too impressed when it is. Imagine sitting down to dinner with a Venus Flytrap.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s